Dear Halo
by Demented Assassin
Summary: A collection of previously unread and unseen letters to and from various characters in the Halo Universe. For the first time, gain true insight into the collective minds of these legendary heroes and vile enemies...
1. Chapter 1

Dear Halo - A Collection of Previously Unread Letters from Various Characters in the Halo Universe

Dear Kat,

You've made quite a name for yourself haven't you?

Sincerely,

Disapproving Moa.

* * *

Dear Jorge,

We can't afford the high powered ammo for your chaingun, you'll have to make do with 9mm's.

Sincerely,

UNSC.

* * *

Dear Rabid Kat Fans,

Get real, she's way out of your league. Also, I am just as impressive.

And I'm not made out of pixels.

Sincerely,

J-Lo.

* * *

Dear Cortana,

Please don't seizure me.

Sincerely,

Noble Six.

* * *

Dear AI Allies,

WE'RE meant to be the Spartans, Legendary means YOU get hosed first, not the other way around.

Sincerely,

The Gamers.

* * *

Dear Dr. Halsey,

OPEN THE "#!&$'% DOOR!

Sincerely,

Noble Team.

* * *

Dear Covenant Corvette,

Tag! You're it!

Sincerely,

Shortsword Pilot #1

* * *

Dear Frigate Grafton,

Flying within ten yards of something you plan to shoot with a Mac gun probably wasn't the smartest idea you've ever had.

Sincerely,

So _that's_ why our hull is breached.

* * *

Dear Auntie Dot AKA Slipspace Rupture Detected,

And we thought Kat talked too much.

Sincerely,

The UNSC Fleet.

* * *

Dear Covenant Suicide Squads,

Bet you can't frickin' do it again!

Sincerely,

In Great Pain. Also Dead.

* * *

Dear Focus Rifle,

CC: Plasma Launcher

You suck more than a grunt on the teat.

Sincerely,

The Covenant Infantry.

* * *

Dear Other Zombie Invasion Survivors,

OMFG THEY'VE LEARNED HOW TO ROLL!

Sincerely,

Completely Screwed.

* * *

Dear Credit Cap,

Prepare for weeping.

Sincerely,

The H-165 FOM Target Designator

* * *

Dear Carter,

That was pretty. Do it again.

Oh, wait.

Sincerely,

All_ I'm_ Allowed to Do Is Run From Scarabs

* * *

Dear Noble Six,

You're an A$$.

Sincerely,

Pinned Down by Four Hunters.

* * *

Dear Noble Six,

They're saving the Scarabs for John.

Sincerely,

Carter.

* * *

Dear Legendary Hunters,

I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!

Sincerely,

Noble Six & Co.

* * *

Dear DMR,

It's not you, it's me.

Sincerely,

Can't get the hang of reticule bloom.

* * *

Dear Fuel Rod Gun,

When did you get so shmexy?

Sincerely,

Love at First Sight.

* * *

Dear Spartan Laser,

LOL!

Sincerely,

Unscathed.

* * *

Dear Hemorrhage,

I'll give Bungie credit for one thing…

Sincerely,

Accurately Named

* * *

Dear Bungie,

Nope, double beat down still works.

Sincerely,

Pummelled.

* * *

Dear Ghost,

That look painful.

Sincerely,

Armour Lock.

* * *

Dear Noble Six

Do a barrel roll!

Sincerely,

Sabre Pilot #2

* * *

Dear Jorge,

Remember how destroying that super carrier meant saving the planet?

Yeah, about that…

Sincerely,

UNSC High Command

* * *

Dear Everything on the Battlefield,

Shoom Shoom Kaboom!

Sincerely,

Rocket 'Hog (AKA Rolling Carriage of Oblivion)

* * *

Dear Emile,

So, does the race to the Autumn count anymore?

Sincerely,

Noble Six

* * *

Dear Shotgun,

You're obsolete.

Sincerely,

The Sniper Rifle.

* * *

Dear Simmons,

Make me a sammich.

Sincerely,

Sarge.

* * *

Dear Gravity,

You account for nothing.

Sincerely,

Just Fell From Orbit

* * *

THE FOLLOWING BY MY GOOD FRIEND LT ASHLER AND POSTED WITH HIS PERMISSION:

* * *

Dear Shotgun

Less-Than-Three.

Sincerely, Sarge

* * *

Dear Jorge

Betcha can't friggin' do it again!

Sincerely, gutted, in three pieces...

* * *

Dear Needle Rifle,

WTF?

Sincerely, Kat

* * *

Dear plasma grenades,

*Snicker, snicker, snort*

Sincerely, Armor lock

* * *

Dear Honor guards,

_YOU_ are paying for my otolaryngologist.

Sincerely, the Prophet of Regret

* * *

Dear Chief,

I _like_ crazy...

Sincerely, CTN 0452-9

* * *

Dear brothers,

The Halo has fired... ...again... ...We are screwed.

Sincerely, Gravemind #2

* * *

Dear Prophet of Truth,

You may need to see a doctor...

Sincerely, Arby, you know, that guy you screwed over?

* * *

Dear Tartarus,

Don't shake the lightbulb.

Sincerely, Johnson

* * *

Dear Sage,

We _Hate_ you.

Sincerely, the guns

* * *

Dear UNSC,

You suck at noticing armies.

On your doorstep.

Sincerely, the Covies

* * *

Dear Jorge,

Why did you tell me to fly through an EMP shield?

Sincerely, your dead Falcon pilot.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Readers,

SP01LARZ AHEAD!

Sincerely,

-DA.

* * *

Dear Warthog,

Om Nom Nom!

Sincerely,

The Brute Chopper.

* * *

Dear Noble Six,

For a brick, you flew pretty good!

Sincerely,

Jorge.

* * *

Dear Jorge,

Hands off the merchandise.

Sincerely,

Female Noble Six.

* * *

Dear Kat,

Hey-Chicka-Bump-Bump!

Sincerely,

A whole lotta people.

* * *

Dear Skirmisher,

BOOM! HEAD- No, wait.

BOOM! HE- Seriously, hold frickin' still!

Sincerely,

Frustrated.

* * *

Dear Spartan 117

CC: Arbiter.

YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!

Sincerely,

343 Guilty Spark.

* * *

Dear Sergeant Johnson,

Send me out with a bang huh?

That's the last time I listen to you.

Sincerely,

Stranded in deep space.

* * *

Dear Flood,

Screw You!

Sincerely,

The entire human race.

* * *

Dear Jun,

What part of "do it quiet" involves firing a high caliber sniper rifle!

Sincerely,

Stealth, look it up.

* * *

Dear Covenant Carrier,

Imma firin' mah...I don't even know what this thing is called.

Sincerely,

But it makes pretty explosions!

* * *

Dear Marty O'Donnel,

O.M.G.

Sincerely,

Eargasming.

* * *

Dear Cone,

Protect me!

Sincerely,

Grif.

* * *

Dear Jackals,

I preferred it when I could still give you handjobs...with my pistol.

Sincerely,

Where did your mind go?

* * *

Dear Sergeant Major Avery Johnson,

Bip-Bap-Bam this!

Sincerely,

The Ark.

* * *

Dear MLG,

In a playlist of supposed skill, there is a rocket launcher.

Sincerely,

_**HUH!**_

* * *

Dear Brute Chieftan,

MOTHER!

Sincerely,

Peed myself the first time.

* * *

Dear Decoy,

Run Forrest, Run!

Sincerely,

A tired cliche.

* * *

Dear Recently Slain Foe,

Teabag, Teabag, Tea-

**ASSASSINATION!**

**Don't be a n00b.**

Sincerely,

**Righteous Justice**

* * *

Dear Scorpion,

So, _**do**_ the ladies like you?

Sincerely,

That is what he was referring to, right?

* * *

Dear Emile,

Is the magnetic butt clamp standard issue?

Sincerely,

_How_ are you not falling off?

* * *

Dear Prophet of Regret,

You're working too hard.

Sincerely,

Gravemind.

* * *

Dear ONI Sword Base Communications Officer,

I get it.

Sincerely,

William Shatner.

* * *

Dear Emile,

_**Really?**_ NOW you decide to go all heroic death on me?

Sincerely,

Fine, I'll fire the damn gun.

* * *

Dear Noble Six,

He was a lousy shot anyways.

Sincerely,

Captain Keyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Dare,

I wouldn't bother, Buck's already got a regular thing going with a certain Detective Beckett.

Sincerely,

That's the thing about crazy people.

* * *

Dear Allied Hunters,

You'd come in real handy right about now.

Sincerely,

That's a _truckload_ of Flood.

* * *

Dear JFO Helmet,

Still having trouble reading your name without hearing swear words...

Sincerely,

Just F- Off

* * *

Dear Emile,

Emo Spartans, whatever will they think of next?

Sincerely,

Lucy-B091's already done that trick.

* * *

Dear Commander Shepard,

I-Oh wait, wrong game.

Sincerely,

You've received a new message at your private terminal.

* * *

Dear Winter Contingency on Legendary Difficulty,

Look I know you're the intro level and all but could you at least _try_ to be challenging?

Sincerely,

Be begging for you when I hit Nightfall...

* * *

Dear Armour Lock,

I think we might finally be getting somewhere in this relationship.

Sincerely,

Just killed my first Ghost by crouching.

* * *

Dear Recon,

How does it feel to be stuck on our level you elitist BLEEP?

Sincerely,

The other armour permeations.

* * *

Dear John,

She chose _me_ first.

Sincerely,

I have it, do you?

* * *

Dear Enemy Team,

Where the heck are you?

Sincerely,

BTB on Spire.

* * *

Dear UNSC Frigates,

Why does everything you do seem to be a one way trip?

Sincerely,

I've been in Mongeese with better longevity than that!

* * *

Dear Emile,

Smile, the world's not gonna end...oh, wait.

Sincerely,

Don't worry, be happy...

* * *

Dear Banshee,

Would you kindly learn the meaning of balance?

Sincerely,

DMR Starts PLOX!

* * *

Dear Kat,

Never. Drive. Again.

Sincerely,

Driven off the cliff at ONI.

(Courtesy of Namae no Nai Shoujo on Fan Fiction)

* * *

Dear Jack,

You're a HO.

Sincerely,

Geoff.

* * *

Dear Halo 3 Jackal Snipers on Legendary,

GO BACK TO COD YOU FREAKIN' NO SCOPING JERKS!

Sincerely,

How about playing a game that doesn't require a twitch in your trigger finger?

* * *

Dear 343 Guilty Spark,

If I didn't know any better I'd say you're trying to come on to me with all this "oh mighty reclaimer!" business.

Sincerely,

Going to enjoy melting your face off you little perv...

* * *

Dear Dr. Halsey,

Mummy it's so nice to see you again!

Sincerely,

Jorge.

* * *

Dear Wraith,

Oh please.

Sincerely,

The Scorpion.

* * *

Dear Focus Rifle,

Nothing like giving away my hard won sniper position with a nice glowy beam huh?

Sincerely,

Have you people not heard of projectile weapons?

* * *

Dear Miranda Keyes,

Killed by a cripple...

Sincerely,

FAIL.

* * *

Dear Warthog Rush,

Bigger, better, more badass cousin says hi.

Sincerely,

Scarab Rush.

* * *

Dear Jun,

Bet you thought you were the lucky one huh?

Sincerely,

Guess who the Covenant is going to be gunning for now homie?

* * *

Dear UNSC High Command,

Just for future reference, flamethrowers do _not_ stand up as an effective alternative to sniper fire.

Sincerely,

Scoped & Dropped.

* * *

Dear Scarab Rush,

Oh yeah? Why don't you find out what happens if all three of us go Warthogs?

Sincerely,

You'd be amazed how effective it is.

* * *

Dear Serina,

Really? The burning building and decimated assault force didn't give it away at _all_.

Sincerely,

The enemy _may_ be planning to attack here.


End file.
